The Black Ribbon

  

    

     Long ago, a young man met and fell in love with a beautiful young woman. She was always dressed exquisitely and she always wore a black ribbon around her neck.

     Soon the man and the woman were married and moved into a little cottage by the sea. They started out very happily, but soon the young man became more and more curious as to why his wife wore a ribbon around her neck all the time.  

Don't Turn on the Light

                                                              

Once their were two girls who shared a college dorm together. Their names were Meg and Venida. The girls were out partying one night. 

Meg noticed she forgot her purse and went back quickly to the dorm. With out turning on the lights she walked in and grabbed the purse. Then she returned to the party. 

Later on in the night, Venida got tired. She left to the dorm to go to sleep.

The next morning, Meg went back to the dorm. The police officers were outside.
" Officer, what's the problem?" She asked.
" There has been a murderer."
" Oh my god. Please let me see."
"No. It's a bit to sloppy." Said the officer.
"Please."

 Finally, the officer let Meg upstairs. When she walked in the room she saw her roommate covered with a clean white sheet. On the mirror in big, red letters words said: " AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU DIDN'T TURN ON THE LIGHT?

A Day in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon.

Demon     : Why so glum chum?

Guy          : What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon     : Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy          : Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.

Demon     : Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do id drink. Whiskey, tequilla, guiness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca. We drink till me throw up then we drink some more!

Guy          : Gee, that sounds great!

Demon     : you a smoker?

Guy          : You better believe it! Love the smoking.

Demon     : Alright, you're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead, remember?

Guy          : Wow, awesome!

Demon     : I bet you like to gamble.

Guy          : Why? Yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.

Demon     : Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go bankrupt, well you're dead anyhow.

Demon     : You into drugs?

Guy          : Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean ....

Demon     : That's right! Thursday is drug day. help yourself a great big bowl of crack, or smack. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares!

Guy          : Woohoo!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon     : You gay?

Guy          : Uh, no.

Demon     : Ooooh (grimaces) You're really gonna hate Fridays!!

Fishing License

   

  A couple of young boys were fishing at a special pond off the beaten track. All of sudden, the guard jumped out from the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell.

  

    The guard was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the guard finally caught up to him.

"Let's see your fishing license, boy!" asked the guard.

     The boy pulled out his wallet and gave the guard a valid fishing license. 

"Well, son," said the guard, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! you don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

   "Yes, sir,"replied the guy, " but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

An Old Man And A Doctor

   

  An 80 year old man went to a doctor for a check up. The doctor was amazed at his shape.
"To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" the doctor asked.
"I am a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in good shape. Get up before daylights, chase turkeys up and down the mountains."
The doctor said, " Well, I'm sure it helps, but there have to be genetic factors. How old was your dad when he died?"
"Who says my dad's dead?"
"You're 80 years old and your dad is alive? How old is he now?"
"Dad is 100. In fact, he turkey hunted with me this morning."
"What about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?" asked the doctor again.
"Who says my granpa is dead?"
"You're 80 and your grandfather is still living? How old is he? the doctor got curious.
"118"
"I suppose you're going to tell me he went turkey hunting this morning?"
"No, he got married."
The doctor looks at the man in amazement. "Got married? Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?"
The old man answered, "who says he wanted to?"

A Friendly Doctor

    

 We brought our newborn son, Adam, to the pediatrician for his first check up. As he finished, the doctor told us, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," he replied. "Just to those whose babies are really good looking."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you." replied the doctor.

A Psychic Phenomena Lecture

    We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our comparative religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing person case.
"She gave them eerlily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the instructor said. "In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now, what would you call this type of a person?"
     While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the class raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."

Mid-Term Quiz

     Our English professor handed out the mid-term quiz. The task was to idetify several passages extracted from material we had studied and name the respective authors. However, it was unclear where the answers were to be written. One student raised his hand and asked for clarification on this point.
     So, the professor asked the entire class, "Where would you like the answers to be written?"
The reply from one student was immediate, "How about on the board?"

Live Chicken for Dinner

    

 A landowner from Seoul went to visit his farmer in the countryside and was treated to a grand dinner of boiled chicken.
     In the course of the meal, the farmer's youngest son ran in, shouting, "There it is! He's eating the dead chicken."
     The landowner thought that he had been served a long-dead chicken. So he put down his chopsticks and told the servant to clear the table, politely saying, "This is enough for me. My stomach can't take any more food."
     Just then, the boy started eating the chicken's legs greedily, saying at the same time, "Oh, this is really delicious."
"Why are u eating the dead chicken?" asked the surprised landowner.
"Who eats live chicken?" replied the boy.

Who Is The Laziest Boy?

     An old man was walking along a road. Suddenly he saw three boys laying under a tree.
"I'll give 3 dollars to the laziest boy. Who's the laziest boy?" he said.
     The first boy jumped up, ran over to the old man and said, "I'm the laziest boy. Give me 3 dollars."
The old man shook his head.
"No, you aren't. Lay down again."
     The second boy sat up and held out his hand.
"I'm the laziest boy. Give me 3 dollars."
The old man shook his head again.
"No you aren't. Go and lay down again.
     The third boy rolled over to his side and said, "Please come and put 3 dollars into my pocket."
"Yes" said the old man. "You are the laziest boy!" And he put the money into the boy's pocket.
"Thank you," said the third boy.

The Man With A Lion

     It was a quiet day. Suddenly, a police officer heard a scream. She ran around the corner. She couldn't believe her eyes. There was a man with a huge lion on a leash.
"Hey you!" She said. "You can't walk around the streets with a lion. Take it to the zoo!"
"Okay, officer. I just wanted to show Baby the town."
The man opened the door of his car and the lion jumped in. The officer stood and stared as the man drove off in the direction of the zoo.

     The next day, the officer saw the same man and the same lion again.
"Hey you!" she said. "Come over here and bring that lion with you!"
The man brought the lion over to the officer.
"What's the problem, officer?"
"Problem? I told you yesterday to take that lion to the zoo!"
"Oh I did, officer. I took Baby to the zoo. He enjoyed it very much. But today I'm taking him to the movies!"

A Great Pretender

     Soon after Dave left college, one of his uncles, who was rich and had no children of his own, died and left Dave a lot of money. So he decided to set up his own real estate agency.

     He found a nice office, bought some furniture and moved in. He had only been there for a few hours when he heard someone coming towards the door of his office.

     "It's my first customer!" He thought. He quickly picked up the telephone and pretended to be very busy answering an important call from someone in New York who wanted to buy a big and expensive house in the country.

     The man knocked at the door while this was going on, came in and waited politely for the agent to finish his conversation. Then he said to him,
"I'm from the telephone company, and I was sent here to connect your telephone."

Private Conversation

Last week I went to the theatre. I had a very good seat. The play was very interesting but I did not enjoy it, though. A young man and a young woman were sitting behind me. They were talking very loudly. I got very angry. I could not hear the actors. I turned around I looked at the man and the young woman angrily. They did not pay any attention. In the end I could not bear it, I turned around again,
"I could not hear a word!" I said angrily.
"It's none of your business" the young man said rudely. "This is a private conversation!"

Fluffy Bunny Rabbit

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day and found his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!

"If my neighbours find out my dog killed their bunny, they will hate me forever," he thought.

So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.

Chris knew his neighbours kept their back door open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbours would think it died of natural causes.

A couple days later Chris and his neighbour saw each other outside.

"Did you hear that Fluffy die?" the neighbour asked.

"Oh..Uhmm.., sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

The neighbour replied, "We just found his dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage!!"

Fixing The Headstone

Once, there were two men walking home after a Halloween party. They decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they heard tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

  Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death, we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

A New Worker

 On his first day at work, a man called the pantry, "Bring me a cup of coffee! Hurry!"

The other person on the end of the line responded furiously, "You fool! You've dialed the wrong number! Do you know whom you're talking to? "

"No", replied the new employee.
"It's the Head Manager of the company, you fool!"

"So, do you know whom YOU are talking to, you fool?" asked the new employee.

"No", replied the Head Manager.

"That's good!" replied the new employee with relieve and quickly put down the phone!

A Small Experiment

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called a doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 400 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get response."

That evening, his wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asked, " Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeated, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next, he moved to the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he got no response.

So he walked up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away, "Honey, what's for supper?"Again there was still no response. Finally he walked right up behind her, "Honey, what's for supper?"

To his surprise, his wife responded angrily, " Damn it Josh, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

A Scottish Student

A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, was living in the hall of residence during his first year.

After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "They are such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. And the one on the other side is always screaming away into the night!"

"Oh, poor my son, how do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"

A Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats were excitedly around him with their tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "because I DIDN'T."

A Pirate at a Bar

 A pirate was talking to a land lubber in a bar. The land lubber noticed that, like any other self respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.

He asked the pirate,"How did you loose your leg?"

"I lost my leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica" the pirate responded.

His new friend was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand? Did you loose it at the same time?"

"No" answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

Finally the land lubber asked, "I noticed you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?"

The pirate answered, " I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in my eye."

The land lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day just after I got my hook!"