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Tuesday 9 February 2016
The Black Ribbon
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Thursday 3 September 2015
Don't Turn on the Light
" Officer, what's the problem?" She asked.
" There has been a murderer."
" Oh my god. Please let me see."
"No. It's a bit to sloppy." Said the officer.
"Please."
Tuesday 23 June 2015
A Day in Hell
Friday 12 June 2015
Fishing License
Monday 8 June 2015
An Old Man And A Doctor
"To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" the doctor asked.
"I am a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in good shape. Get up before daylights, chase turkeys up and down the mountains."
The doctor said, " Well, I'm sure it helps, but there have to be genetic factors. How old was your dad when he died?"
"Who says my dad's dead?"
"You're 80 years old and your dad is alive? How old is he now?"
"Dad is 100. In fact, he turkey hunted with me this morning."
"What about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?" asked the doctor again.
"Who says my granpa is dead?"
"You're 80 and your grandfather is still living? How old is he? the doctor got curious.
"118"
"I suppose you're going to tell me he went turkey hunting this morning?"
"No, he got married."
The doctor looks at the man in amazement. "Got married? Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?"
The old man answered, "who says he wanted to?"
A Friendly Doctor
Smiling, I said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," he replied. "Just to those whose babies are really good looking."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you." replied the doctor.
A Psychic Phenomena Lecture
"She gave them eerlily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the instructor said. "In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now, what would you call this type of a person?"
While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the class raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."
Mid-Term Quiz
Our English professor handed out the mid-term quiz. The task was to idetify several passages extracted from material we had studied and name the respective authors. However, it was unclear where the answers were to be written. One student raised his hand and asked for clarification on this point.
So, the professor asked the entire class, "Where would you like the answers to be written?"
The reply from one student was immediate, "How about on the board?"
Sunday 7 June 2015
Live Chicken for Dinner
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In the course of the meal, the farmer's youngest son ran in, shouting, "There it is! He's eating the dead chicken."
The landowner thought that he had been served a long-dead chicken. So he put down his chopsticks and told the servant to clear the table, politely saying, "This is enough for me. My stomach can't take any more food."
Just then, the boy started eating the chicken's legs greedily, saying at the same time, "Oh, this is really delicious."
"Why are u eating the dead chicken?" asked the surprised landowner.
"Who eats live chicken?" replied the boy.
Friday 5 June 2015
Who Is The Laziest Boy?
"I'll give 3 dollars to the laziest boy. Who's the laziest boy?" he said.
The first boy jumped up, ran over to the old man and said, "I'm the laziest boy. Give me 3 dollars."
The old man shook his head.
"No, you aren't. Lay down again."
The second boy sat up and held out his hand.
"I'm the laziest boy. Give me 3 dollars."
The old man shook his head again.
"No you aren't. Go and lay down again.
The third boy rolled over to his side and said, "Please come and put 3 dollars into my pocket."
"Yes" said the old man. "You are the laziest boy!" And he put the money into the boy's pocket.
"Thank you," said the third boy.
The Man With A Lion
It was a quiet day. Suddenly, a police officer heard a scream. She ran around the corner. She couldn't believe her eyes. There was a man with a huge lion on a leash.
"Hey you!" She said. "You can't walk around the streets with a lion. Take it to the zoo!"
"Okay, officer. I just wanted to show Baby the town."
The man opened the door of his car and the lion jumped in. The officer stood and stared as the man drove off in the direction of the zoo.
The next day, the officer saw the same man and the same lion again.
"Hey you!" she said. "Come over here and bring that lion with you!"
The man brought the lion over to the officer.
"What's the problem, officer?"
"Problem? I told you yesterday to take that lion to the zoo!"
"Oh I did, officer. I took Baby to the zoo. He enjoyed it very much. But today I'm taking him to the movies!"
A Great Pretender
Soon after Dave left college, one of his uncles, who was rich and had no children of his own, died and left Dave a lot of money. So he decided to set up his own real estate agency.
He found a nice office, bought some furniture and moved in. He had only been there for a few hours when he heard someone coming towards the door of his office.
"It's my first customer!" He thought. He quickly picked up the telephone and pretended to be very busy answering an important call from someone in New York who wanted to buy a big and expensive house in the country.
The man knocked at the door while this was going on, came in and waited politely for the agent to finish his conversation. Then he said to him,
"I'm from the telephone company, and I was sent here to connect your telephone."
Thursday 4 June 2015
Private Conversation
"I could not hear a word!" I said angrily.
"It's none of your business" the young man said rudely. "This is a private conversation!"
Fluffy Bunny Rabbit
Fixing The Headstone
A New Worker
"It's the Head Manager of the company, you fool!"
Monday 25 May 2015
A Small Experiment
A Scottish Student
After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "They are such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. And the one on the other side is always screaming away into the night!"
"Oh, poor my son, how do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"
A Vampire Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats were excitedly around him with their tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "because I DIDN'T."
A Pirate at a Bar
A pirate was talking to a land lubber in a bar. The land lubber noticed that, like any other self respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.
He asked the pirate,"How did you loose your leg?"
"I lost my leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica" the pirate responded.
His new friend was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand? Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No" answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally the land lubber asked, "I noticed you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?"
The pirate answered, " I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in my eye."
The land lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
The pirate snapped, "It was the day just after I got my hook!"